Like most people, I have fantasies.
Not those type of fantasies. I mean fantasies where you are some other person doing exactly the things you cannot do in your real life.
Some people want to be a singer in a famous rock band, others want to be right. Mine is ‘world class striker playing fútbol in Europe’.
Alas, at 37 I’m probably too old to play for Manchester United. So, I write about fútbol and I play in adult fútbol leagues. We are 0-4 so far this season, our attacking midfielder went home to Brazil, and we lost our first and second choice keepers. My beloved Irish lad, Dr. Simon is our leading scorer with 1 goal.
In my PMI Mile High leadership class in January, Jerry asked us to write our retirement eulogy. We weren’t dead, just retiring. I came up with another outrageous fantasy - coaching the US Mens National Team to back-to-back World Cup victories in 2026 and 2030.
Three months later, my son continued to beg me to playing fútbol. So I called the city’s youth sports director. She ended up asking me to coach his team. I thought of my retirement tribute and figured, ‘no problem’. I called my wife to discuss and gain enthusiastic agreement. She was all over it but warned me about my competitive nature.
She likes to bring up an episode from about 1998 wherein I was playing a lot of hoops. I way better at soccer but I loved playing hoops in college. Buddies from work formed a team and we played a lot. One night, we were playing a particularly hyped up team and long story short, I got a technical foul. Never mind [like all convicts] that it wasn’t my fault, it was the referee’s issue. Ever since then, I am now labeled as hyper competitive.
Probably it’s true but I don’t like to admit it in mixed company.
I listened to her advice and thought about how I would ever teach fútbol to 4 and 5 year old boys and girls. Enter, Soccer Help and Coach Doug. The Soccer Help site has a dreadful layout, but Coach Doug [who focuses on the younger kids] recently got a clue and revamped his site. For what they lack in asthetics, they make up for in content.
I recruited Alex, my new Argentinian friend and father of Camilla. Cammy and Aidan became close friends, waiting for Alex and I to break down the equipment after each practice. One of the first games we played at practice was called ‘carrot’ where we all put our arms next to our sides and run around kicking balls. We ended up calling ourselves the Carrots and as if by destiny, our orange jerseys showed up the following week.
Of course, the league does not keep score. This is because for some stupid reason, youth sports has lost its way since I was a wee lad. We always kept score and trust me, everyone on the field, coaches, players, parents, referees - they all keep score. It’s like Fight Club. The first rule in Fight Club is: Don’t talk about Fight Club. The first rule in youth sports is: Don’t keep official score.
I think we won 2 of 6 games. We got hammered a lot and I realized a few things about 4 and 5 year olds. They need a lot more practice than I thought and I need to get a clue about coaching fútbol.
We kept our practices to 1 time per week for 30 minutes. This was perfect for waining attention spans but was not great for our results. On the advice of Coach Doug, I had three simple rules:
- Have Fun!
- Never touch the ball with your hands.
- Listen to the whistle.
In fact, the whistle was the only way I could consistently get everyone’s attention. We also, at the insistence of our best striker, Jonathan, we played Duck-Duck-Goose after every practice.
I had so much fun coaching, I was surprised. I felt a lot of emotion during the games but I focused on having fun - even when the other teams were taking things sometimes too seriously.
Emily came to watch me coach. She was surprised that I quelled my hyper-competitive temperament and said I was so great with the kids. I did get such a thrill to see their reactions to a successfull play such as a monster kick, a pass, or goal.
We tried to keep the instructions simple, again on the advice of Coach Doug:
- Play defense
- Go score
- Turn around
- Pass
- Monster kick
The kids did great and I want to coach more. So, I am signed up for my state’s soccer federations ‘E’ license. There are, as far as I can tell, 5 levels of FIFA-sanctioned coaching licenses before one can become a professional coach. Everybody starts with their ‘E’ license.
